Hallmark Movie Wins an Oscar

It’s December 8th, which means you have 17 days left to visit your hometown, save Christmas and fall in love with a charming man who owns the local bookstore that you will leave your corporate marketing job to become cashier at as you both live happily ever after.

If you feel like you’ve seen this film before, it’s probably because you have.

The Hallmark Channel is known for their holiday romantic comedies that play non-stop in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

(I use the term comedy soooo loosely, you guys, I’m serious.)

One of the best parts about these fan favorites is that if you fall asleep before seeing the ending, don’t worry. There’s a good chance there will be a totally different one on when you wake up that will have such a similar ending to the movie that you started, you won’t even realize the difference.

It’s truly remarkable.

Now, contrary to what it sounds like, the direction of this piece is NOT Hallmark Christmas movie slander. In fact, now that their obvious weaknesses have been addressed, I’m ready to tell you why the mass production of these crowd-pleasers is actually brilliant.

Have you ever been to the spa?

Maybe it’s raining outside, so you park your car and trudge through the puddles, dodging cars until you step inside. It’s warm. It’s quiet except for the Zen playlist playing softly through the speakers. And is that the faint, distant sound of water dripping? Surely there is no fountain in here? How do they even do that?

You change into your robe and head to the relaxation room.

I forgot it was raining outside. In fact, I forgot everything. Ah, bliss.

THAT is how your brain feels when you sit down to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie.

Not only is it a super relaxing and well-deserved treat for money-making women like you, some would argue that it’s necessary maintenance for our spirits.

Here's how Hallmark puts a robe and slippers onto your brilliant brain:

#1. Familiarity: I don’t know if it’s the camera lens or the fact that the same 10 actors are in every single flick, but most of us know a Hallmark movie when we see one. The comfort that you feel when you see your mom’s living room, is the same comfort that your brain feels when it sees a couple in scarves walking down a small town square in the snow. Whether you love it or hate it, your brain feels as safe as can be and is ready for her facial.

#2. Closed Loops: Remember the part where the movie endings are almost always a slightly different version of the same thing? Your brain is going bananas over it. Save that suspense nonsense for the rest of the year. For the month of December on Hallmark, we don’t have to waste energy wondering if they’re going to break our hearts in the end. They almost never do. And that’s on purpose. Because they love us and because women at Joann Fabrics everywhere (hey to my mom again) would riot.

#3. Contrast: Movies and shows in 2023 are so heavy. Even if they are marketed as being light and fun, you have to watch every blasted second of the 45-minute episodes to have a shot at knowing what the heck is happening. Hallmark’s Bill Abbott says, “our focus is on creating an experience where you can turn the TV on, then cook, decorate or do something else holiday-related that puts you in the spirit.” They don’t even want us to have to know what’s going on! What a gift!

The world needs Hallmark Christmas movies. My limit per season is 2, but Variety Magazine watched them all for us and ranked the top 25, so we can get straight to the good stuff this weekend.

Your brain may thank you.

Xo, The Salesgirls

Ps. No, Hallmark didn’t pay me to write this, but next Christmas they might.